Why Does He No Longer Show Me Any Affection?

in Husband

I get many variations on this question. Usually, I hear from wives who are afraid that their husbands just don't love or find them all that attractive anymore. Many of these wives feel that they really are trying their best to keep their husband's interest, but despite their best efforts, they feel him slipping away. Many of them ask why husbands eventually begin to lose interest and withdraw affection and if the answer to this question can help them to turn things around in their marriage. I'll tell you my opinion on this in the following article.

Sometimes, His Not Showing Affection Doesn't Mean That The Affection Isn't There: Most people would agree that men are generally not as demonstrative as women. Whereas many of us don't have much of a problem sharing affectionate gestures with those that we love, this sometimes does not come as naturally to men. Usually, when I tell people this, some of them will respond with something like "well, he was very affectionate when we were dating. He couldn't keep his hands off of me, but now, he looks at me as though I repulse him."

I know that this is a frustrating position to be in. But when we are first dating, we're typically all on our very best behavior. We are very careful to show the other person the best version of ourselves. We do this for many reasons but one of the most persuasive is that we know that when we act a certain way, we will get a certain response and the pay off that we want will usually follow. The man in the scenario knows that if he's demonstrative and gives lots of affection, the woman in the scenario responds very positively and so the cycle continues on.

But when we get married, after a while, the incentive and the cycle are usually altered somewhat. Eventually, some of us take for granted that our spouse is still going to be there and is still going to offer the response that we want (at least some of the time) without nearly as much effort. The problem with this is that in order for everyone to feel secure, understood, and loved, it's usually necessary to offer physical reassurances such as affectionate gestures.

And sometimes when wives try to express this, the husband sees it as nagging or clinging. But, a happy medium can usually be reached. And it generally involves showing the husband that this process doesn't need to be difficult or undesirable and it will ensure that he gets the response that he remembers.

The Culture Of Your Marriage Being Work And Becoming Stagnant: Sometimes, I do hear from the husbands on the other side of this scenario. And many will eventually admit that their lack of affection is, at least somewhat the result in a shift of priorities and time allotment. The culture of the marriage has changed. Both people have become complacent. And other obligations and priorities eventually take center stage. This is the natural order of things and no one is to blame for this, but it does take a toll on our marriage.

Many men admit to me that the playful atmosphere of the relationship has changed. In the beginning, everyone was happy and light hearted and so it was just natural and easy to show a lot of affection and to give a lot of reassurance. Today, there is a long history behind this relationship. There are responsibilities and priorities and both of you know that you're in this for the long haul. And this is where husbands and wives will sort of see things differently. Men sometimes don't understand that you still need and want those physical reassurances. That's why it's sometimes important to ask for this or to spell it out.

Now, that's not to say that there aren't some situations where the husband tells me that he's just not physically attracted to his wife or in love with her anymore. Sometimes, he thinks that these things are true when they really aren't. And sometimes, things really have deteriorated this far. Usually though, the wife is able to tell the difference between the two.

How To Make Your Husband Understand That You Need For Him To Be More Affectionate: The worst thing that you can do right now is to appear needy or to make what he will perceive as demands or will see as nagging. Instead, you want to focus on the positive and you want to make this process one that he will see as not too terribly painful. Often, a very effective way to do this is to demonstrate what you want. If you want him to hold your hand, then just take his. If you want for him to be more affectionate to you in public, then take the initiative and take the lead.

Some women feel resentful at having to do this, and that's understandable. But, this often only happens in the initial phases. Because once you begin getting the desired pay off, you will generally realize that who takes the initiative really doesn't matter as long as everyone is getting what they want.

When your husband does begin doing better and showing you more affection, heap on the praise. Again, you will usually get a much better response if you focus on the positive rather than the negative.

Unfortunately, when I began to notice that my husband was losing affection for me, I just put it off addressing it until later. I thought that I would always have time. But, this escalated until we almost got a divorce. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only repair our marriage, but to also restore my husband's love and his affectionate gestures. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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Leslie Cane has 1 articles online

Leslie Cane's blog is at http://isavedmymarriage.com.  She enjoys sharing the story of how she saved her own marriage to help others.

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Why Does He No Longer Show Me Any Affection?

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This article was published on 2010/11/24
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