Most of the visitors to my blog are female. And, most of them are also women who have been cheated on by their husbands. Occasionally though, I hear from women who are the ones who have cheated. The vast majority of them are incredibly remorseful, swear they have made a one time mistake that will never be repeated, and want to know how they can make their husband understand that it's possible to save the marriage.
This presents an interesting set of circumstances because I often see things from the perspective of the spouse who was cheated on, as this was my reality. However, many of these women are quite sincere and are willing to do whatever needs to be done to make this right and to get their husbands back. Since I know that marriages can be saved even after infidelity, (when both people are willing to do the work necessary,) I often offer these wives some tips outlining some of the things that my husband did to get me back after he cheated. I will share them with you in the following article.
Make Sure You Take All Of The Responsibility For Both The Cheating And For Making Things Better: One of the most common phrases I hear on my blog is "I don't think that my spouse is really sorry or remorseful for cheating on me." Your first priority should be to very clearly communicate your remorse. And don't stop at just vague statements like "I'm sorry." Really expand on your unique situation. One size does not fit all. Instead, you want to express very specific apologies like "I'm so very sorry that I placed our marriage in jeopardy. Our relationship is the most important in my life. I know that I have eroded the trust between us and that I have a long road ahead of me to show you that I can be a good wife again. I know that the process is not going to be a fun one for me. But, I also know that I put myself into this situation and I am going to work to get myself out of it. You and our marriage are important enough to me that I'm willing to dig in and fight for them if you will give me that chance."
Never hint that your actions were your husband's fault. People have a tendency to say things "I just didn't feel like you were there for me." Or, "our marriage had just grown stale and the other person listened to me and valued me." Sure, you may even feel like these things are true. But, even if they were (and your spouse would likely disagree with this,) that is no excuse for cheating. It doesn't help you to try to make excuses that will likely make your husband feel not only blamed for your actions, but also more angry at you because you are not taking responsibility.
It can really help to tell your spouse that you're going to make this up to them and to do the work necessary to make sure that you make it through this. It's equally as important to follow through with what you say. So many cheating spouses will say all the right things in the beginning, but then when the faithful spouse agrees to take a "wait and see" stance, they end up waiting on actions and improvements that never come because the spouse who cheated wants to move past the affair as quickly as possible in order to "save face" and to not dwell on what might be painful.
This almost always angers the cheated on spouse, who thinks that this is just one more lie that they've been told. If you promise your husband that you will do self work, make changes, go to counseling, or show them some real improvement, then please make sure that you do precisely this. You're trying to show him that you are trustworthy and have integrity. It's so important that, from this point forward, you are honest in all of your assertions. If you need some help to determine why you went down this path or which issues within yourself left you vulnerable to this, please get it. The last thing you want to do is to repeat the same behaviors. You really only get a finite amount of chances to make this right.
Work Very Hard To Help Your Husband Rebuild His Self Esteem, Confidence, And Self Worth After You Cheated: People often assume that husbands aren't as devastated by an affair as wives. This is just not true, in my observation. It's devastating for a man to assume that his wife had to go elsewhere to be excited or fulfilled. Men will often take any question about their ability as a husband to satisfy their wives very personally. This is why, when he allows you to do so, you must build up your husband's self esteem. You must constantly offer him honest and genuine reassurance that you love, value, appreciate, and are attracted to him.
Many wives who cheat do so for emotional rather than physical reasons. Many want to share this with their husbands. They think that if the husband knows that it was an emotional rather than a sexual problem, then this will make him feel better. Actually, this usually makes you sound as if you're only shifting the blame. Just do your best to reassure him with your actions rather than your words. Show and not tell him that you still find him desirable and are committed to him. However, if he needs some time to himself, do not pressure or rush him. Be very respectful of what he needs and asks for.
Make Your Relationship One That Makes Your Husband Want To Look To The Future Rather Than To Visit The Past: Ultimately, the thing that made me finally get over my husband's affair and want to come back to him was waking up one day and realizing that my marriage after the affair was potentially better than the marriage before it. Most of this was my husband's doing. He just hung in there for the long haul and showed me with his actions over time that he meant what he said and that he wasn't going anywhere.
He hung in there even when I didn't want him there. He checked in constantly even when I was not all that willing to talk to him. He stayed put with patience even when I pushed him away. He told me I was beautiful even when I was acting quite ugly. It took a while until I was even receptive to his actions. But one day I realized that he was still there and that no one would hang in there like he had unless they wanted to.
After that, I began to be receptive to making it work. And over time, what we built was better than what we had before. Once I reached this place, I was really able to turn the corner. When you are happy and fulfilled, there is no reason to look back. That's the goal. You have to work with your husband until he's again secure in your marriage because it's making him happy and feel good about himself. This is a gradual process that you just can't rush.
Usually though, if you show him your sincerity over time and you allow your actions to speak for you, he will sometimes come to realize that you mean what you say, that you are serious about rehabilitation. Hopefully, this will contribute to him deciding that he wants to save the marriage and wants to come back to you.
Thankfully, my husband eventually learned how to show his true remorse and how to move us both forward. And, I learned that I had some work to do on myself. These things helped a lot. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/