The letters that I get from wives who can't foresee ever forgiving their husband's infidelity really do effect me because they make me remember exactly what I was feeling a few years ago. I completely understand truly wanting to move on and to put the affair and the cheating behind you, but just being unable to forgive, even though you genuinely want to. It seems that the anger, betrayal, and negative feelings always find a way to rear their ugly heads even though you've made a genuine vow to leave them behind once and for all. How can you overcome this when you're always taking one step forward and two back? How can you ever expect for things to be the same when you're feeling this way? I Can't Forgive My Husband For Cheating
The truth is that things may not ever be the same, but they can actually be better (although I know that it doesn't seem like it right now.) A lot is required on both of your parts though, and eventually, when you are ready and have what you need, you will need to forgive in order to regain the trust and openness that you'll need to genuinely rebuild. I'll discuss the things that I personally believe are necessary for forgiveness in the following article.
Are You Asking For (And Getting) What You Really Need?: Before I get into what I believe is necessary to forgive an affair, I first need to flat out state that often in order to get these things, you'll have to speak up and ask for them and / or define them. It's very common to believe that your husband should be able to read your mind or to dig up or figure out what it is that he should be doing. But, the truth is, if your husband was really great at reading you (and what you both require), you probably wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.
Most men just are not good at this sort of detective work. They can't even sort out their own deep feelings, much less yours. And, they're often very afraid of doing the wrong things. Most will describe for me a sort of catch 22 in which they find themselves. They'll say things like "I want to show her physical affection and reassurance, but I suspect that my touch repulses her." Or "I'm afraid that every time I go to make a move, all she can think about is my doing the same with the other person," or "I'd rather let her lead the way because I just don't know what she wants. If I try to initiate contact, I look like a creep, but if I stay back and let her initiate it, then she thinks I don't find her attractive or that I'm not interested in our marriage."
So, often your husband is waiting for you to sort of guide him. I know, it can get to where you can feel like "he made the mistake.
Do You Have What You Need To Trust Him Again?: So often, I find that being able to forgive the cheating goes hand in hand with being able to restore the trust. If you're always afraid that you're one day going to be going through this again, you'll never be able to truly trust and open up again and it's very unlikely that forgiveness will naturally just follow.
For this to happen, you will need for your husband to be accountable and to take full responsibility. Many men will resist this. They will think that you're always going to blame them, that you don't and will never trust them, and that they are going to punished in this way for the rest of their lives. And, many will try to downplay or shorten the aftermath of the affair because they just want their lives back and they will think that "working through" the affair is the same as "dwelling on it." To them, prolonging anything about this is bad news. In their perfect world, they'd like for you to forgive and forget almost immediately. I Can't Forgive My Husband For Cheating
Your job is to make clear that this just isn't possible. In order for you to have what you need to ultimately move on, you are going to need to establish that they are trustworthy and that they know exactly how their actions (which they chose) have affected and hurt you. These things are necessary because they say to you that he isn't going to do this again. So, make it very clear that you're going to need for him to be very open with you about where he is and what he's doing and make no apologies if you, at least at first, are going to need to confirm this.
Over time, as you begin to see that he is actually accountable and doing everything right, you'll eventually no longer need to do this. But, he should have patience while you do.
Have You Forgiven Yourself? Are You Willing To Put Your Own Insecurities In The Past?: I can not tell you how often I see insecurities end marriages. So often, it's not the lack of trust or the resentment that really does you in. It's the fact that you become so insecure that you never really believe that your husband still really wants to be with you. This is the ugly little secret that we women so often don't want to acknowledge.
And while we're telling the truth, the ugly fact is that these securities often came before the affair, but after the affair, they become about a million times worse. You start to think awful thoughts like "what's wrong with me?," "does he really want to be with me?," and "I know that he is going to trade me for a better, newer model the second he gets another chance."
It's vital that you stop this negative loop. So often, these thoughts become a self fulfilling prophecy. Commit yourself to doing whatever is necessary to build yourself up so that you can go back into your marriage knowing that it is he who should count his lucky stars, not you.
Knowing That You Can Build Something Better And Accepting It When It Comes: The real key to truly forgiving a cheating husband is knowing that you can build something fulfilling enough to make you forget what came before it. Once you have a marriage that makes you happy, allows you to be secure, and one that you are thoroughly enjoying, you really do not need to dwell in the wrongs of the past. You're wanting to look forward instead. Many people are standing right at the threshold of this place, but for some reason they feel that they don't deserve it or they don't believe in it. It's very common. Don't sell yourself short in this way. You must know that you deserve every good thing that comes your way and that you can handle it, no matter how it turns out. I Can't Forgive My Husband For Cheating