Over the weekend, I received an email from a wife wanting to know "the best way to deal with 'my husband's other woman.'" The husband had cheated with a coworker and this woman would not leave the married couple (who were trying to save their marriage) alone. She still tried to have contact with the husband at work. She called the wife at home to place doubt into her heart and mind. In general, she was doing everything in her power to thwart this couple's chances of healing and was just being a spiteful and annoying pest.
The wife was temped to have a knock down drag out fight with this woman, or to meet with her face to face to hash this out. She was tempted to demand that her husband change jobs or even to move. I'll tell you how I told her to handle this situation in the following article.
Understand What The "Other Woman" Wants (And Don't Let Her Have It): Let's face it. This woman wants a few things - she likely still wants your husband and she wants to set it up so that he sees you negatively (so that she's more attractive in comparison.) If she can place doubt in your heart of cause problems in your marriage, she's going to do just that.
Basically she wants an open invitation to push and shove her way into your life. Do not give her this access. I know that it's tempting to get her side of the story or to see what she looks like (if you haven't), or to size her (or her intentions) up. However, all of these goals assume that she's going to be an honest person. She's already demonstrated with her actions that this is not true.
Her agenda is much different than yours. She's very likely not going to be honest and her actions are going to be set up to make sure that it's she, (not you), who emerges victorious. Allowing her access to your life is like knowing that something is going to destroy what you love and then doing it anyway. Don't do this. Even if you're content to walk away from your marriage and to let her have your husband, don't let her mess with your head or your self esteem. If you're going to walk away, do so with your head help high, with only your mental health and your self esteem to restore. Don't give yourself one more problem to contend with (her.)
Your focus right now should either be on yourself and / or your marriage (if you're going to save it.) Don't take on her (and all the baggage that she brings with her) as well.
Keeping The Mistress Or Other Woman Out Of Your Life: First off, I did agree with the wife that the husband should try to get a new job. However, in today's economy this can be unrealistic or risky. At the very least, he should ask to be transferred or to severely limit his contact with her. That's what email and text messages are for (and the wife should be able to read these.)
I also advised her to block this woman's numbers from her husband's cell phone, from her cell phone, and from their home phone. This is easy, quick, and free to do. If this forces her to try to come to the home to talk face to face, don't open the door and ignore her while she stands out there alone looking like an idiot continuing to bang on the door. If she keeps this up, call the police. She's trespassing and she knows she is not welcome on your property.
If she continues to follow you around, you may need a restraining order. But, I often find this to eventually be unnecessary. As long as you are ignoring her (and your husband is making sure that he's doing the same) she'll often give up pretty shortly because she's not getting any pay off. Understand that as long as she's getting the buzz from getting a reaction out of you and your husband, she's going to persist. This will stop when she gets no satisfaction or no rise out of you.
Letting Her Be The Crazy, Unstable, Undesirable One: Very often the mistress will play the game where she tries to paint you as the raging, angry, crazy lunatic while she is the safe haven for your husband. This of course plays right into her hand. But, it's so easy to turn the tide on her that it's not even funny. If you make very clear up front that you (and your husband) want nothing to do with her, and she keeps right on, you have the texts, phone calls, call logs, and emails that prove that it's HER that's crazy, that it's HER that's scary and unstable.
Don't stoop to her level. Continue to be unflappable. Continue to show that you're the only one with dignity and grace. In the end, you'll come out smelling like a rose with integrity while she'll show herself as the low class person that she really is. Almost all husbands realize this eventually if you play it correctly. But, if you allow her to show her true colors while you stay back and don't get pulled into all this negatively, she'll often do the job for you, simply because she'll stoop to unsavory tactics to claim your life. Understand what she's doing and stay back. This will expose her for what she really is pretty quickly.